wow
check this out chaps...
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/pocketli/20070 ... c65_1.html
I think I'd rather call a plumber!!
A little light humour
#77
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and
Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and
Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies
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Paul Barker
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#78
THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 -
These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 -
These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 -
You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 -
These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 -
These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 -
You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
#79
A young teacher from Leeds had accepted a temporary job teaching a class of four-year-olds out in one of the most isolated, rural parts of north Wales. One of her first lessons involved teaching the letter 'S', so she held up a big colour photo of a sheep and said: "Now, who can tell me what this is?"
No answer. Twenty blank and wordless faces looked back at her.
"Come on, who can tell me what this is?" she exclaimed, tapping the photo determinedly, unable to believe that the children were quite so ignorant. The 20 faces became apprehensive and even fearful as she continued to question them with mounting frustration.
Eventually, one brave soul put up a tiny, reluctant hand.
"Yes!" she cried, waving the snap aloft. "Tell me what you think this is!"
"Please, Miss," said the boy warily. "Is it a three-year-old Border Leicester?"
No answer. Twenty blank and wordless faces looked back at her.
"Come on, who can tell me what this is?" she exclaimed, tapping the photo determinedly, unable to believe that the children were quite so ignorant. The 20 faces became apprehensive and even fearful as she continued to question them with mounting frustration.
Eventually, one brave soul put up a tiny, reluctant hand.
"Yes!" she cried, waving the snap aloft. "Tell me what you think this is!"
"Please, Miss," said the boy warily. "Is it a three-year-old Border Leicester?"
-
Paul Barker
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#80
A devout temperance practitioner was seated next to an Australian on a flight
from London to Melbourne , Australia .
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the devout one if he
would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
from London to Melbourne , Australia .
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the devout one if he
would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
-
Paul Barker
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#81
That 8 year old lad that weighs in at 15 stone has got another interest - music.
The reporter from his local rag asked him what his favourite instrument was and the fat bástárd replied,
"The dinner bell."
The reporter from his local rag asked him what his favourite instrument was and the fat bástárd replied,
"The dinner bell."
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Paul Barker
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#82
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
-
Paul Barker
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#83
I got the Wife a new bag and a new belt for her birthday
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The Hoover works f***king great now!
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The Hoover works f***king great now!
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Paul Barker
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#84
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
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Paul Barker
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#85
Satisfaction Guaranteed
A well-known aerospace company, lacking the wicked sense of humour of its rogue employee, had this posting on its web site deleted as soon as it was noticed.
Thanks for purchasing a military aircraft. Please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card.
1. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[ ] F-14 Tomcat
[ ] F-15 Eagle
[ ] F-16 Fighting Falcon
[ ] F-117A Nighthawk
2. Where was this product purchased?
[ ] Gift/Aid package
[ ] Catalogue/Showroom
[ ] Independent arms broker
[ ] Mail order
[ ] Government surplus
3. Please indicate how you became aware of the product you have just purchased?
[ ] Heard loud noise
[ ] Store display
[ ] Espionage
[ ] Friend/Ally
[ ] Political lobbying
[ ] Was attacked by one
4. Please indicate three factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this product:
[ ] Style/Appearance
[ ] Speed/Manoeuvrability
[ ] Price/Value
[ ] Comfort/Convenience
[ ] Kickback/Bribe
[ ] Weapons systems
[ ] Negative experience opposing in combat
5. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[ ] North America
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Aircraft carrier
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Europe
[ ] Middle East (not Iraq).
[ ] Africa
[ ] Asia/Far East
[ ] Misc. Third World
[ ] Iraq
6. Please indicate the products you currently own or intend to purchase:
[ ] Colour TV
[ ] ICBM
[ ] Killer Satellite
[ ] Air-to-Air Missiles
[ ] Space Shuttle
[ ] Nuclear Weapon
7. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
[ ] Communist/Socialist
[ ]Terrorist
[ ] Crazed
[ ] Democratic
[ ] Dictatorship
[ ] Primitive/Tribal
8. How did you pay for your product?
[ ] Defecit spending
[ ] Cash
[ ] Suitcases of cocaine
[ ] Oil revenues
[ ] Credit card
[ ] Ransom money
9. Your occupation?
[ ] Homemaker
[ ] Revolutionary
[ ] Mercenary
[ ] Tyrant
[ ] Middle management
[ ] Eccentric billionaire
Thank you for your time. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help the company serve you better - as well as allowing you to receive special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and mysterious consortia.
A well-known aerospace company, lacking the wicked sense of humour of its rogue employee, had this posting on its web site deleted as soon as it was noticed.
Thanks for purchasing a military aircraft. Please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card.
1. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[ ] F-14 Tomcat
[ ] F-15 Eagle
[ ] F-16 Fighting Falcon
[ ] F-117A Nighthawk
2. Where was this product purchased?
[ ] Gift/Aid package
[ ] Catalogue/Showroom
[ ] Independent arms broker
[ ] Mail order
[ ] Government surplus
3. Please indicate how you became aware of the product you have just purchased?
[ ] Heard loud noise
[ ] Store display
[ ] Espionage
[ ] Friend/Ally
[ ] Political lobbying
[ ] Was attacked by one
4. Please indicate three factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this product:
[ ] Style/Appearance
[ ] Speed/Manoeuvrability
[ ] Price/Value
[ ] Comfort/Convenience
[ ] Kickback/Bribe
[ ] Weapons systems
[ ] Negative experience opposing in combat
5. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[ ] North America
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Aircraft carrier
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Europe
[ ] Middle East (not Iraq).
[ ] Africa
[ ] Asia/Far East
[ ] Misc. Third World
[ ] Iraq
6. Please indicate the products you currently own or intend to purchase:
[ ] Colour TV
[ ] ICBM
[ ] Killer Satellite
[ ] Air-to-Air Missiles
[ ] Space Shuttle
[ ] Nuclear Weapon
7. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
[ ] Communist/Socialist
[ ]Terrorist
[ ] Crazed
[ ] Democratic
[ ] Dictatorship
[ ] Primitive/Tribal
8. How did you pay for your product?
[ ] Defecit spending
[ ] Cash
[ ] Suitcases of cocaine
[ ] Oil revenues
[ ] Credit card
[ ] Ransom money
9. Your occupation?
[ ] Homemaker
[ ] Revolutionary
[ ] Mercenary
[ ] Tyrant
[ ] Middle management
[ ] Eccentric billionaire
Thank you for your time. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help the company serve you better - as well as allowing you to receive special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and mysterious consortia.
-
Paul Barker
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#86
When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped eating utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our waiting on personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".
Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped eating utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our waiting on personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".
#87
Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those payments!
I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your Mama's house; You tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the ex had to say and how she took it.
As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Well now .. what did she have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my Daddy."
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those payments!
I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your Mama's house; You tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the ex had to say and how she took it.
As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Well now .. what did she have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my Daddy."
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Paul Barker
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#88
One day Socrates came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a test. Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually, I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was f*cking his wife
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a test. Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually, I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was f*cking his wife
#89
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Mexico).
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree we're saved"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"
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.
.
."ees... a.... Ham bush"
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree we're saved"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"
.
.
.
."ees... a.... Ham bush"
-
Paul Barker
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#90
Whats the difference between someone from Hull 
and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family of four without any help from the government!
and a park bench? A park bench can support a family of four without any help from the government!