A little light humour

A place for the funny stuff
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Paul Barker
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#46

Post by Paul Barker »

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Darren
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#47

Post by Darren »

Went out driving last night, and one of those new Skoda's drove in to me! I was ������� livid - jam and cake everywhere!
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Paul Barker
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#48

Post by Paul Barker »

I nearly choaked when I read this.

A Canadian walks into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve Canadians in this bar."

"But I'm really thirsty," the Canadian replied. "I'll do anything for a beer!"

"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I'll get you a beer."

"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6'5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That's number one."

"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He's mean, he's nasty, he's vicious, he's hungry, and he's got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That's number two."

"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That's number three."

"I'll do it!" screams the Canadian. "What's first?"

"First is the big guy by the door."

The Canadian leaps to his feet and runs headfirst into the huge man. The two of them are rolling on the floor with fists and blood flying everywhere. Finally, the Canadian smashes a chair over his head and drags him from the bar.

Panting and bleeding, he askes the bartender, "Okay, what's next?"

"Number two is the dog in the kitchen."

The Canadian runs into the kitchen. The bartender hears barking, yelling, snarling, screaming, and jaws snapping, followed by a long, painful howling that obviously came from the dog.

The Canadian runs out of the bar, his clothes all ripped and filthy, and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"
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Paul Barker
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#49

Post by Paul Barker »

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
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ed
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#50

Post by ed »

and this
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ed
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#51

Post by ed »

So the travelling monk went into a far away monastery he had heard about. They had special physical, mental, and spiritual teachings at this far away monastery. As he approached the temple, he saw amazing feats of dexterity and heard many monks chanting Sutras.

When he finally found the wise old teacher monk, he was sitting watching two other monks, one standing squarely on the head of the other. Like a statue, both were completely motionless.

The bottom monk was chanting, "aaaaaaayyyyyyyy" over and over.

The monk on top was chanting, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" softly in time with the other monk.

The traveling monk asked the teacher, "Master, what is that chant? I understand the discipline of the body, but the chant is unfamiliar."

"Oh," replied the teacher, "we start with the familiar chant, oooohhmmm. But as we progress we learn it is just E over I."
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Ali Tait
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#52

Post by Ali Tait »

Paul,you may have heard this one...
Plumber gets caught on "Builders From Hell" sha****g the houseowner's dog on cctv.The woman sues him, but the judge dismisses the case as he was corgi registered....
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Paul Barker
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#53

Post by Paul Barker »

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS
AROUND THE COUNTRY:
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State
emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his
hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening
for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the
table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the
act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation,
the man grabbed a fork

and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with
lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in
her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I
would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it
was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.
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Paul Barker
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#54

Post by Paul Barker »

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing..........................
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole da.mn thing!
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Paul Barker
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#55

Post by Paul Barker »

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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#56

Post by ed »

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.

The salesman was delighted.

They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug sprayand tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.

Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
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Paul Barker
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#57

Post by Paul Barker »

Caption competition.

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andrew Ivimey
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#58

Post by andrew Ivimey »

Too obvious by farand I hope he is very embarrassed by it. But if you watch what he does with his hands Charles often makes this sort of gesture, as if it means anything important or meaningful to the audience.

In this situation I think we would all agree that Charles is quite obviously alluding to the traffic contraflow of Spagehtti Junction; the woman army chap relishes a memory of how her grandfather broke down just outside Birmingham many years ago on the A34 before the Mways were ever a twinkle in some planners eye.

What larks to be in the army! to meet such folk and to listen to such stimulating raconteurs - I'm off to bed.
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Ali Tait
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#59

Post by Ali Tait »

...Yes my dear,it's been a good season on the farm,the cabbages are this big.
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Dave the bass
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#60

Post by Dave the bass »

" ...oohh goody, more Privates ready for inspection".

DTB
"The fat bourgeois and his doppelganger"
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