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#1 A little light humour

Posted: Fri May 25, 2007 8:38 am
by Darren


Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 2:14 pm
by Paul Barker
They tell me Im working too hard, it's just a simple matter of employing someone and I can sit back and put my feet up right :D


Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 8:56 am
by Paul Barker


Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 8:55 am
by Paul Barker
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be
serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not
the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man
was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the
woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a
few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 2:19 pm
by Paul Barker
This man has seconds to live



Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:55 pm
by Paul Barker
I wish this was a joke, but this is the sort of thing we are uncovering all the time.



Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 8:25 am
by Paul Barker
This Camborne girl walks into the bar and she spots a fisherman wearing an enormous pair of rigger boots, with his feet up on the table.
"Ere my andsome," she says, "Is there any truth in the saying about men with big feet?"
" Why don't you ask me back to your place to find out, you sweet- talking little minx?" he says.

The next morning, he's dressing to leave, and she hands him £30.
"I'm very flattered he says, "No one's ever paid me before."

"Don't feel flattered," she says. " That thirty quid is to buy a pair of boots in your size."

#8 Nuts Anyone?

Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 3:27 pm
by Darren
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."


Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 10:20 am
by Darren
One day a father leaves work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of

Those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers,

"Which one do you mean, sir? We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95,

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,

Skater Barbie for $19.95,

and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.


Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 10:06 pm
by Paul Barker
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker,
it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he
was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a
Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole"
she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a
hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It
wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her
Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap
Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so
she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via
her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a
bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun
size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more,
but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a
Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving
her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his
wife, Caramel. Sadly,3 days later his Magnum lolly
started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been
with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!


Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:57 am
by Paul Barker
I used to be engaged to a girl who worked at the Rowntrees factory..

One day at work she slipped and fell into one of the vats of jelly...

I don't know what they did with her afterwards......

...but the solicitor reckons she will be set for life!


Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:16 pm
by Paul Barker
A man spent his life collecting memorabilia of Joan of Arc, Wonder woman and Florence Nightingale........

Apparently, he was a heroine addict.


Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:26 pm
by ed
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."


Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:27 pm
by ed
There was a struggling farmer who owned a property on the drought ravaged western Darling Downs.

The Queensland Dept of Labour claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent a Public Servant out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the P S.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, but I buy him a bottle of Bundy every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the P S.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.


Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:28 pm
by ed
How smart is your right foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.

And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't...

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.